Have you given up your dreams for golf fame and fortune? Did you realize a green jacket wasn’t in your future when the only dry tee shot on hole #7 for your 5-man team was a shank into the weeds?* Did you say so-long to the FedEx Cup when you were glad you lost the low net race by 1 stroke because you made a quad on the first scorecard playoff hole?**
Have no fear, my golf-loving delusional friend. There is still a chance to reap big bucks from this game we all love. I came to this epiphany when I saw a Golf Channel ad for a flag on a stick. They claim swinging it will increase your swing speed, and maybe it will. Admittedly, they stuck the flag on a golf shaft with a reminder grip, but it’s still a flag on a stick. The profit margin must be huge. If that can make money, have I got a deal for you.
Let me introduce you to my Amazing Elbow. I have a bad habit of letting my right elbow stick out at impact so I’m prone to pulling the shot left. I remember what I’m doing wrong on the 18th tee, and wanted a reminder so I might catch my error earlier in the round. After countless hours of scientific research and development I emerged from my lab (aka the PVC shelves at Home Depot) with my solution.
As you can see, it’s a piece of high-tech, high-dollar, exotic material. One look at this incredible tool as it hangs from my golf bag inspires confidence in my next shot and triggers important neural pathways critical to the perfect golf swing. In fact, some of you have recognized the genius of this tool and asked “What the (expletive deleted) is that plumbing fixture on your golf bag for?”
So I have a deal for my closest*** friends. Before I put out a public request for investors and apply for an IPO on the NYSE, I’m offering you a chance to get in on the ground floor. I have big plans for this tool, including innovations and upgrades like a PVC elbow painted to match your golf bag and a bag tag that says “Ask me about my elbow.”
The bag tag will solve one of the biggest technical problems. I tend to forget the dang thing is there until someone asks me about it, so the question from playing partners is important. I’m thinking a deluxe version with a phone app that randomly asks “What about that effing PVC thing on your bag, doofus?” would go over big. Just imagine hearing that at unexpected times throughout your round in recorded voices ranging from drunk golfing buddy to sexy beer-cart attendant. If that doesn’t shave strokes off your handicap, I don’t know what will.
Think about my offer as you enjoy Thanksgiving. In fact, ask all your family if they’d like to get in on the deal. The more the merrier, and I’ll give a personally spray painted gold elbow to everyone who invests in recognition of their support, wisdom, or gullibility. Take your pick.
Have a great Thanksgiving, and remember the Winter Cup on December 7. See you all there, elbow and all.
* That team was me (Charlie Prokop), John Palmer, Mike Dobsrensky, Rich Koch, and Roger Hill. Mike’s was the only dry shot. We lost the front 9 to Larry Henson, Steve Vickers, Rick Swett, Tadd Marler and Joey Decker. We won the back 9, though.
**I lost by 1 to Larry Henson’s 78. Hartley McHone won the second flight with 87.
***Don’t worry if you aren’t sure your one of my closest friends. Your check will answer any questions you may have.